so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
