it wasn't lemon gatorade
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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