I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary