My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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