you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
bring money and cleavage
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
