sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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