I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
