"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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