Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?