Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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