Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
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you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
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apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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