Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Are my feet made of real feet?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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