i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
