mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
