I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
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Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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