I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
only if we run a train.
done.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
