Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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