I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
