wanna go halves on a baby?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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