my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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