at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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