so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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