remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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