i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
