I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
