I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
