Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
