The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
