Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
