idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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