Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
