I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
