i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
