im six kinds of drunk right now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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