just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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