she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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