i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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