I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
