i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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