Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
