I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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