you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.