Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
