dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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