Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
