i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
