so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
