i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
