How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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