Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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