Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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