just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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