i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
