I cannot find my penis.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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