I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
